I know I promised my newest post to be about my reflections on the year 2011 and all the goodness, grace and love God has shown to me but I feel like stalling. I don't mean to NOT thank the Lord for His goodness because over the course of this year I certainly have but it feels a bit overwhelming to blog about it right now.
This post is a random, unedited version of my thoughts. Procrastinating, stalling...call it what you'd like but ever since last night at our New Year's Eve party (which was fabulous & fun by-the-way) and after talking about what I thought I had all planned for my life I can't stop thinking about it.
Our topic was schools. Where and what we thought our children's paths might lead them down and figuring out how to pay for said plan I was reminded of a time when I thought I had it all figured out.
My goals were high. At the time I didn't quite realized that I was an eternal optimist. I truly believed I could do anything I set my little heart out to do. I wasn't afraid of failing, actually, I'd become pretty good at it. I would simply brush it off and try harder, that is, when it was something I wanted.
I loved the game of soccer. It was one of those things that I had begged to do as a young girl. Our town didn't have any teams or leagues. I was also an artist. I would draw my myself in my jersey, my team and write about my accomplishments. I would literally dream at night of scoring goals and of being carried off the field by teammates while my fans cheered wildly in the stands.
It wasn't until I was in 6th grade that I got to play on my first real team. It was amazing, really. I felt like all my dreams had come true the minute that I put on (quite possibly the worlds ugliest uniform) that was gold and kelly green. I was not a straight 'A' student and honestly I didn't want to be. I was social. I loved just being with people. I didn't need to be the center of attention and I certainly never wanted to be, but nonetheless I loved people. I loved observing them, talking with them, laughing, playing and people watching. I was never praised for my report card but the friends I had and made topped it all and then to be on a team? The best feeling ever.
Most of the girls on my team had been playing together for years. They had a bond, a closeness I longed for and soon would posses. The game I loved was finally mine. I excelled in my new found love. The moment I would get on the field I finally felt I found my purpose. I was quicker than anyone in the league. It was finally my chance to shine.
In high school I went through many teams and many coaches and my sophomore year I even gained a nickname. I was called "Flash." It was a name given with many inside jokes but soon parents I didn't know and even my coach would soon be yelling it from the stands. It was an amazing feeling. It pushed me to work harder. I used to believe that I could pick any college I wanted. I didn't understand the costs. I believed that my talent was enough. I had my sights set on University of North Carolina. If it was good enough for Mia Hamm & Michael Jordan it was surely good enough for me.
I had cutouts and clippings of all things related to UNC and all my favorite sports figures. I lived in a fantasy world, really, and would soon get shaken back into reality. My ACT score would tell me exactly where I would be able to attend. While it wasn't a 36 I would have to figure out a new plan. All this college talk made me realize that this was real. College cost money and I was not even close to making it into the professional world of soccer.
So, I had another dream. I was pretty sure that even though I was just an ordinary 17 year old girl I would soon be discovered. Discovered somewhere to show up on the big screen. I would write screenplays I would star in. Somewhere, at sometime, someone would see my talents and scoop me up and put me in a staring role. I had big dreams and they were within my reach...so I thought. I absolutely loved plays and musicals. When The Sound of Music was chosen I picked my part and practiced each day. Then when the day came for try-outs, I opted not to do so. Why? I still don't have that answer.
As I type I realize that I seemed a bit, well...different. I never followed through with any of my passions or dreams. I always wondered but never regretted my decisions. So after sharing with others my dreams and ambitions as a child I started wondering what it was that I really wanted to do now.
This year I would love to get back into music. I played the piano under an instructor for nearly 10 years, the flute for seven and now after 20 years I want to play the violin or cello. They were not one of the choices I was allowed to choose from and ever since then I have always wanted to learn. 2012 is going to be the year I start. I truly think that I would not have appreciated the instrument or the music back in the day. I thank God that He has been growing this desire in my heart and I want to glorify Him through the process.
